What’s Your Game?

It’s so good to see the Olympic athletes reaping rewards after years of sacrifice.

Quoits anyone?

Well it would be good, if I actually cared.

Call me boring, but I don’t really see the point of much of what’s currently going on in London. Except perhaps for Madame Tussauds – I hear they’ve commissioned a wax statue of a Beefeater actually eating beef.

Around the world people participate in many activities that I would consider to be “elite sports”, such as the running of the bulls in Pamplona, or Brisbane’s annual Funnel Web milking championships. Even I have experienced the pleasure of competing at the highest level when I entered the Australian Mixed Nude Skydiving Championships back in 2008. I didn’t win, but then, I was quite distracted.

Regretfully, although widely supported these events will never be included as Olympic sports.  A sport or discipline is only ever included in the Olympic program if the IOC decides it is widely practiced around the world. For this to occur the number of countries that compete in a given sport is used to indicate the sport’s prevalence, and there just aren’t enough people interested in those I’ve mentioned.

This is a real shame, because if you ask me there are a few “sports” in this current Olympiad that don’t deserve their place.  Let me explain what I mean by analysing some disciplines I find less than exciting. I may even offer some suggestions to spice things up.

Weightlifting – Is there anything more stupid? I mean, what’s the point of lifting a truck over your head only to put it back down again in the same place. At least move the bloody thing! And if you’re going to enter the Women’s weightlifting at least look like a woman. Last night I saw an entrant in the female weightlifting competition who had no neck, hairy armpits, and a lump that might have been a penis lurking down the front of her tights. She even had a moustache.

Suggestion: I have two. First, check the DNA of every competitor – just in case. Second, superglue on the bar. Enjoy the surprised looks as the lifter tries to drop the weight only to stumble off the podium and into the Judge’s den. Style points if the lifter’s groin explodes. Extra style points if the barbell lands on a Judge.

Archery Well I must admit, the idea of pinging arrows at a target is appealing, but I’d first have to take up weightlifting to build up some muscle; have you seen the size of the bows they use?  They look like a doodle that got out of hand – you know, like when you’re on the phone for ages. Draw a shape, add a line here and there, stick in a curve or two, then add a pointy bit. Awfully complicated.

Suggestion: Arrange the teams in a huge circle and get them to take turns lobbing arrows at each other. The team with the most members left wins.

Beach bloody Volleyball Erm… why? How can there be any justification for this being acted out on the global stage? I reckon they only let it in because it looks good on telly. The girls invariably play with their speedos up their crack and their arses hanging out. Must be uncomfortable with all that sand everywhere.

And since when did Austria have beaches? The last time I looked they were land-locked.

Suggestion: Bury brand new hypodermic syringes in the sand but tell them they’re from a needle exchange program.

Badminton Yes, Badminton. A couple of dudes whacking the crap out of a bunch of feathers. With immense strength and a keen eye they bounce around exhibiting all the style and grace of an orangutan on red cordial. Boring.

Suggestion: Make the shuttlecocks out of dried cocaine. When hit they’ll pulverise and a fine powder will dissipate throughout the court. Watch the fun increase with every strike of the racquet.

A good ventilation system ensures the crowd gets involved too. Happy days.

Handball This is basically soccer. Played indoors. With your hands.

Why not just play soccer?

Suggestion: Add spectator value – tie the players to long wooden poles and let the crowd make the moves. Human foosball – yeah, that’d be cool.

Fencing A bit dated don’t you think? No one ever takes a sword to a gunfight. From what I’ve seen on TV if there’s going to be dust-up with weapons involved then it’s usually an AK-47 or nine millimetre semi-auto.

Suggestion: Competitors wear blindfolds and take turns trying to run each other through with their swords. A bit like “Pin The Tail On The Donkey” but with real blood.  Need to watch for cheating though, and if they’re caught peeking the opponent gets a free stab.

Water Polo Trying to lob a soccer ball into a net whilst drowning. Might be your idea of fun, but it does look a bit silly, especially the Princess Leia hats. This would be great on TV except nobody ever drowns. All I ever see is people trying to cop a feel whilst not getting pinged by the ref.

Suggestion:  Make the ball out of lead.

Volleyball This is just Beach Volleyball without the melanoma. Dull.

Suggestion: Random trapdoors on the court open over pits filled with pointed sticks. Players score bonus points if they push a team mate in to save themselves. Extra points of they drag a small child in with them.

Shooting Now this is more like it. Except for the guns. I hate them. They’re dangerous and should be banned. Remember, guns don’t kill people; disgruntled fourth-placed Olympic finalists wielding high-powered rifles kill people.

Suggestion: Tie competitors to a conveyor belt and parade them back and forth past the spectators. Crowd members pay five dollars a shot with proceeds going to the anti-gun lobby. Don’t worry, the bullets aren’t real, they’re made of recycled shuttlecocks from the Badminton contest. They’ll die laughing

Gymnastics Granted, the ability to land on your testicles and not feel pain could come in handy sometimes – when you fall off your motorbike for example – but I still reckon there’s a limited need for this skill. And whilst some people might enjoy seeing tiny little girls flying around in tights I think it’s a little bit creepy. Stop feeding these midgets growth-retarding hormones and let them be children. They should be out there on the swings with the other kids smoking cigarettes and drinking Vodka Cruisers, not spinning on their hinges for seventeen hours a day. Cruel and inhuman.

Suggestion:  Thick sheets of plate glass positioned randomly around the court. Points are scored based on the quality of the face-plants and the amount of blood lost. Extra points for severed limbs.

Wrestling Another sport where lycra holds its own. That is, of course, when the boys aren’t holding each other’s. Why any red-blooded male would want to grope another bloke’s bits or stick his face up another guy’s perineum is beyond me. Perhaps they’ve been snorting the liniment or something. Stop it now, before you catch some horrid disease.

Suggestion: One competitor at a time enters the ring wearing a leotard made from bacon. A cage opens and an American Black Bear is let loose.  Points are scored based on how much skin the bear peels off. Extra points for scalping. Spectator interest enhanced if the bear has just come out of hibernation.

Basketball Surely one of the most boring games on the planet it’s the only sport where it helps to be born a mutant.  In prehistoric times evolution took care of overgrown freaks by having them eaten. It’s hard to hide from a lion when your head sticks out above the grass.

Suggestion: This is a difficult one and I’ll need a moment. Let me think… Nope, no idea. Nothing can make basketball interesting.

Diving Step… step…  bounce… roll-twist-flip-spin-flip-roll-pike-twist-bend-flip-stretch-spin-flip-flip-spin-splash!  Sometimes in pairs.  This event exploits dwarf pre-pubescent girls and the occasional gay man wearing bright pink budgie-smugglers. Slightly interesting if there’s a chance they’ll miss the pool and land headfirst on the concrete.

Suggestion: Randomly drain the pool between jumps.

Equestrian Stiff-upper-lipped snobs poncing about on shiny horses sporting silly hairstyles. So embarrassing. These people not only look like they’ve had a steel rod surgically rammed up their arse they sound like it too. Hearing an interview with these inbreds is like listening to the Queen Mother after she’s had her tongue stapled to her face.

Suggestion: Make ’em ride elephants. Blindfolded. Wearing  tutus. Go on, try jumping your silly little fences on one of those bastards.

Oh, and there are a couple of sports that simply defy belief. Well,  I believe they exist, but I just don’t know why.

Take Boxing for example. Why two people would belt the living snot out of each other then cuddle up once it’s over beyond me. Maybe nobody truly understands them. Maybe they’re just sensitive guys trapped in a neanderthal’s body, working through some issues.

Who knows? I’ll never understand the joys of boxing and don’t need to – I’ve never lost a fight by less than two hundred metres.

And Triathlon. What’s up with that? Swim to New Zealand, ride back, and then go for a run. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sound like my idea of a fun weekend. I’m sure they’re amazingly fit people and have a resting pulse of a snail, but it still seems like a dumb thing to do.

Haven’t they heard? – that’s why they invented cars.

I’ll admit there are a few sports that bring me to tears. Often they’ll be tears of sadness but more often they’re tears of joy. Joy that the bloody thing’s over and we can resume normal programming, like watching episodes of Judge Judy or reruns of RBT. Nothing like seeing some retard try to explain his way out a blood alcohol reading of .425 on national television. Such joy.

I used to be a keen student of the Games but the last few Olympiads have left me cold. I’m no longer astounded by the feats of human endurance and athleticism. I no longer watch spellbound as they grunt and groan while sweating their tits off. I no longer revel in their glory.

The excitement’s gone way before the first muscle has been torn.

I can’t really explain why I feel this way but perhaps the widespread use of performance enhancing drugs has dampened my enthusiasm. I’ve become too cynical. There’s a lot of cheating going on and it’s hard to know which results you can trust.

Yeah, that must be it – they’re all using chemicals. Steroids here, diuretics there. That’s why I’m so disappointed – everyone’s on drugs.

Except me.


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